adios 2005

i wonder if the yr can ever be better..

compare this yr to previous few yrs, i felt it is the worst yr in my life, although it is punctuated by a few nice moments.

first of all, a very thank to for these following persons who make my life abit better through the strict regimes and everything

My camp mates.

my OrDED SiR LTA(NS) benjamin heng.. he a great fren and leader.. haha he tried to help us whenever he can but kaoz.. no off frm him

my leave clerk, CPL(soon to be NS) nigel.. he been a great fren n help to me..

my registry clerk CPL Joshua.. he a nice fren although sumtime abit too loud.. haha..

my r and d clerk, LCP kENNY.. THe guy whoalways get in troubel.. 7 extra King.. thanks man.. u help us do LESS duties..

my buddy n my understudy..CPL Junkok... the ever harowrking n determined guy.. but abit stupid to help those fuckers of saf.. haha...

erm thanks for them .. if not how i survive the countless guard duties, the turn out, the alert amber, the pats wkends.. the countless saboing by madam..

thanks thanks.. i noe 2006 is coming.. most of them will ord a few mth earlier than me.. i will mis them.. hope for the best for them..

haha say finish all the thanks for them.. let us review my key events.. i try to be optimistic la..

1) meeting a gal in jan, severalwks before her bday.. hmm uh suposedly to buy a present for her..:S.. hmm ultimately coerced intobuying slipperrs.. hmm duno wat the fuss with the slippers until now.. hmm tot i like her.. but maybe is my hormones working..

2)feb... alot ofwork work work work work.. copa.. docu clerk. recall clerk.. 3 appts sia.. hah finaliculiminated to becoming the best soldier of themth..

3) march.. work work work work..

hmm did meet chienwen n lijun during these 2 period.. 1 is to mit lijun for kbox. fun sia.. lijun when u wan go to kbox with mi again,, the other mit chienwen for dinner plus movies..
haha although nv rreali go see movie with her(she owe me liao). but wat i remember frm the dinner at PS and tahe walk from PS to the stroll at BORDERS.. and the finali bYE at cityhall.. the sitting ard at coityhall mrt.. love it.. i actually wish to revisit the feeling.......
i also like the feeling with lijun.. she a nice gal.. although hiaz nowadays she dun relai like to tok to me liao.. sianz.... but i like her when she angry n the feeling oso.. haha


4)apr.. countless guard duties...................... 3 wks.. for consecutive days...

5) may---- off off off.. duno wat i do. tink gt meet lijun for ktv.. erm " invited" by her becoz alex invite her.. ultimately alex haha fly aeroplane.. n we 2 person onli.. hmm so we went to ps to see movie.. ths tupid scary movie..n the onli memory frm the movie.. is tat lijun keep laughing?.... haha..oh we oso haf meal..:s.. lijun eat alot wor.........haha...... nice feeling la .... tat is the last time we mit le.. so it 7 mths alreadi..lijun come out lei

hmm may also the mth when i first time go chompchomp..
erm i very bad tat time.. i disturb a fren.. ask her bring us along..becoz she say until so gd.. n i was on the way there also?
hmm she veri nice.. n we can chat.. she teased abt me seeing other gals but hmmmmm.. the onli gal i wan see is ever u onli...


6) june

finali saw amelia... she ah.. at cineleisure,, she go ther support her cousin.. haha did nt manage to say hi to her.. jhaha mainly becoz i shy.. honestly she look great but sian sia she attached .. if not i sure sure jio her.. kidding kidding... haha wah liew amelia come out meet me la.. see each other liao.. haff dinner come come..

also saw yizhen at the event.. haha..lolz.. nt wat i expected.. haha.. but lolzzzzzzzzz still a ncie gal overalll...

7)july.. saw she at ps to eat 2 pc chicken with her n cc..
saw the movie be with u.. the best movie of the yr in life..
haha.. see alot of movies..
alot of military stuff.. chemical defence.. atp.. imt..
know janie
saled to go oversea.. feeling nt gd..


8) aug

erm preparing for aler amber lo.. very busy la.. ahhhhhhhhhh
aug 28 went through my first operation in my life..
remove wisdom tooth..

9)sept

nth reali happen.. maybe alot of army shit?
oh ya lijun nv invite me to her bday celebration although she promised me

10) oct

my bday.. key event..
wan to invite alot of ppl la..
all my netfrens.. n n n n..
haha in the end.. all my true frens come..
cailian come..
hmm she very ncie to come.. she gave me a big surprise..the watch,, the best gift in my life..
hmm she treat me very nice but in the end.. i nv treat her very well n i take her for granted.. maybe she felt tat.. maybe tat why we finali haf a big quarrel n till now i still feel there is abig split that is still unmended.. erm duno how to mend... seriously hmm tat is a big mistake of my life.. a mistake i may regret for whole of my life.. i duno.. i very indecisive in this kind of things..

anyway bday is a celebration of th day u landed in this life. a days where all ur frens come together.. haha true frens come nt easily..

love them ^^.. a key event n a key moment of my life.. my frens....

hmm i still dun understand why this event must happen after my bday.. is it a sign?

11) nov

always tinking of her..
hmm PATS audit.. manpower chekcs.. fully focused .. no tme for love or frenship


12) dec

WU YUE TIAN CONCERT.. haha wonderful day.. trully spent my money rite
my memories of 3 guards.. i been in 3 guard for a yr lo


actually nt many keyy events.. key events is all meeting netfrens.. haha.. maybe becoz i too isolated in camp.. always staying at home during wkends.. att why it is the worse yr in my life.. beccause i simply dun haf life..
n erm i keep tinking of dying.. hmm my common theme.. i will turn more positive 1..
becoz my new yr resolution is to be more positve n finali make up with many ppl........

ahhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh
summarized all key events le..
felt 2005 is a yr of many things..
i grew to be cynical!

i duno how to end 2005 at a bright note.. sian.. yesterday nite i slp whole nite.. due to a long wk n a long yr..
hope today gt event ba..

blog so early in the morning..

sian.. reject taking off for tuesday..

nolong wkend.. super sian ah..

bill 75 for this mth.. 512k singnet bb.. i duno sia.. why lidat

it bloody expensive lo


i tired..

i just want a perosn to make my life abit better

to share my problems..........

stupid rules set by CO

All HQ personnel

1) must march frm point to point.. wah liew

2) go for canteen break with permission frm superiors.

3)do CHINUP before meals...

ahh so cock....

sstupid rules..


blatantly wna us chnaged into MAN..

hmm

we also suppor the battalion..
we r nt MAN..kaoz

bloody hell must ask us march,,, puiz..

tink i throw status on him le..

i wun do it 1..

i will haf my INTEGRITY N ppRIDE

BOxing day

hmm i should be the one who should be boxed everyday..
haiz

this xmas has nt been gd to me
lol
nth to report
nth to do


haiz

today wan to go see gal le.. but due to some circumstances. fail to mit her

mainly i felt tat she treat me as a biz deal

which i disllike

gals ah gals ah

why like tat 1

hmm but maybe i nt too much interested in her biz tok.. haha more interetsed in her ^.^


shiying shiying dun treat me as biz deal lei

why ppl like this 1?

on a separate topic,

there r 5 more days to end of 2005

haha

congratulations jincai, u had just passed the worst yr in ur life..

nxt yr will be better la


many things to do in 2006

world cup to see sumore

sure will be a brillant yr

yeah!

2006 faster come!

merry xmas

todaay is 2005 dec 25..

merry xmas wor..

still gt 6 more days to 2006..

have u prepared ur new yr resolution.

ahhhhhhhhhhh


dunnoe lei..

alot of things to aim.....

erm possibly a place in uni will be in the uppermost of my mind for whole yr..


i lazy to tink of it rite now..

for the past 2 days, i was online

haha whole day n nite onlione

getting tired le..

but duno lei.. no gals jio me out lei:P


no ppl jio me out n i tired to go out..


sian sian sian sian..

but haha 2 interesting thing happen to me past 2 days..

first

some 1 jio me for christmas service with her alone at woodland..

but i is too far n maybe too earely n maybe i too shy that i reject

haha the gal or lady is janie..

cute cute.. she show me the website of the church n the performance. by world class gospel singer bobby moore..

she even call me to ask me whether i wan to go.. uh huh.. she sound nice.. i nv mit her before.. so i m a abit tentative..

but in the end i reject.. possibly becoz i tink church service is abit weird.. n i felt weird to go out with a gal or rather a 28 yr old lady,,,

but she was nice till the end..

she sound humourous.. nice.

hoepfuly there is a followup esposide on this story


hehe!

the second lucky thing tat happen over xmas?

haha a gal jio me out.!! wah nowadays gals very fierce sia

tsk tsk.. is tml afternoon.. meet at kfc tampines..
uh huh

she ah i duno lei.. maybe her main motive was to tok to her abt her saving plans or insurance premiums since she is a insurance agent....

uhhhhhhhhhhhhh

she is shiying.. 22 yr old grad

unfortunaely although i wan to reject, but my heart won through..

so nw i puzzling over tml..

wat will i wear?
wat will i do?
uh huh...
just leave it all to fate

merry xmas merry xmas

yesterday does not get to book out.. is reali fucking waste time in camp doing nth..

haha but hor at least today go out le..

hmm i on standby.. alert red liao.. sianz sian... hope nthg happen in this 3 mths.. if not wah lau i nid to be activated..
i will be holding a pager everywhere le..
haha so style

okie.. i dun call any gals le.. haha i wan stone .. i wan read books.. i wan ermmmmmmmm more opportunitiesssss

haha today funi.. gt a gal auto open webcam n let me see wat she doing.. keep waving to mi.. doing stuff.. uh..

she 25.. erm she crazy??


haha but we chat for a hr .. she sound okie

sobx sobxxxxxx

meerry xmas coming.. where is my date

s

work so sux

lolz.. work so sux.. everyday work work work... no off no leave..lol

haha.. erm luckily wun burn wkends for wks to come...

so technically i gt long wkends..

but usuali i stay at home

aiya nowhere to go.. nowhere to do..

hmm i growing fat.. hah nv go weigh.. but fat fat fat.. u can see my pic at msn..fat hor..

haiz..

my colleague the leave clerk nigel is going to ord.. haha... wat a ncie guy he is.. he do alot thing for us.. for us i feel sad for him to leave..

but when it times to go, we should go..

lolz..
maybe tat why i destined to leave ur life when it is time..
duno wor
maybe noe too long le.. so no feelings le.
so lost contact
so nv meet each other
.so nv msn
so lidat lost every1..

hmm new 1 replace old 1
but
i still miss them
did they move on?
will they remember me?

diao sunday

haha i tink i can onli blog son sat nsunday.. nth special happened for this wkend.. stay online whole day

want to watch king kong..

losing money due to liverpool..knn?

ONE YEAR anniversary

i came into " her" 1 yr ago..
hmm
she look so old frm first sight
so i tot my life will be very slack
i took 10 on my first trip there to mit her
hmm i passed through schools and housing estate temples..
it is a nice day...
i come early... veri early
feel unease
hmm meet ppl
they stare at me
i feel nervous..
o.o"

finali finali
i m introduced to her..
hmm
it doesnt sound so bad frm first impression...
sound it will be hapi life for me
albeit will b veri sian n so on

but wat i duno
is 1 yr le
i havent feel any happiness in it
i lost frens through her
i noe new frens through
i gain many valuable experiences through her..
i learnt to be more cynical
i learnt to be more distrusting of ppl
i learnt to be more irritating
i learnt to complain

this is nt my best yr
i regretted noeing her..
but

i oso feelt relieved ihad grown through adversity to be with her..
i belonged to her..
haha
n i noe i still gt 1 yr to be with her
i will treasure her~
to many guard duties
many extras
many outfield
many wkends burnt
many fren known n bullied
haha..
i duno how ppl describe


haha been through alot this yr

consecutive guard duties for 3 wks
outfield become enmy stay outfield for 2 cconsecutives day
burnt countless wkends
COPA for 1 mth.. stay in whole mth
being scolded everyday by a old hag who i od not respect
being fucked upside down everyday
everyday so sianz
lost alot of myself
i felt i nt been myself for past yr..

when can any1 forgive me?
when can i be myself?
i wan to be cheerful me



hmm 3 rd guards battalion 12th mono intake.. bedok camp

15th dec 2004
till 15th dec 2005..

wat a yr... wat a yr to noe her

hmm 1 more yr to go

ord date 19th dec 2006

the date i leave her for greener pasture.. i will miss her

mayday Concertttttt

mayday concert was a blast

stand all the way in the concert

all the fav songs all sung

n we danced along to it

although at the beginning i is quite slow n the audience warmed to the concert slow..
but once the hard rock stuff is in..
oo
can reali see the place rock
ppl keep jump
ppl keep using lightstick]i sway to the music


quite amused tat i can do tat

haha

wat a wonderful conert

10 dec 2005 i will rmeember this day

wu yue Tian finaL home Concert at maX pavilion

im going! i M going!

haha.. spent hundred plus just to go there..dUnO la.... tooextravaGANT..?

I gg to enjoy myself there lo

hmm must truly enjoy wu yue tian music

haiz

but sumhow on the eve of the concert, i dun feel anything

maybe too dragged down by work le la

sumhow i feel lonely rite now..

why i dun seem to be able to get close to some1..

why cant i ever touch ppl hearts..

m i born lonely?


everfamiliar theme in my blog.. but tell me..


do i deserve all these happen to me?

i do not know n maybe i do deserve it..

my frens.. where r u?

i tired of looking always to the screen.. i tired of always msning ppl..

m i gd person?

m i reali gd?

surely.. i m nt gd.. becoz i duno.. tat how i m... how i wish the old times will return

life is boring

wat news?

life is boring..
hmm
saturday is wu yue tian concert

but tio big bomb.. i nid to go back camp...

hope its onli for the morning


hope hope

i wishing for beta days ahead..
haha
peishan write testi for me
woohoo,...
she remember me!

going back cample la

morning afternoon nite

everyday routine is lidat liao
morning wake upo
look forward to breakfast
den look forward to lunch
den stonnnnnnnnnnnne n slp in bunk

den come down to do work..

den look towards teabreak

den workkkkkkkk

den stoneeeeeeeeeee

den look forward to last parade

haha

den dinnnnerrrrrrrr

den .. on bk out nites, den we get to bk out

if nt stay in camp slppppppppppppppppp

how interesting my life is..

ahh.. lijun where u:P
cailiaaan i missssss u
ameliaaaaaaaaaaaa
chienwennnnnnnn
ahhhhhhhh
ahhhhhhhhhhhhhhh
any1 rescue me/?

hmm tired tired

yeah sunday afternn

hmm..just discovered this is my 262 post onli.. haha i wrote for 1 yr or more liao i tink..
sad..
actulai i wrie very little..
ok la i try to update more..


yesterday i went to MARINA square again..haha...
marina square getting to be my fav haunt..
weelung bday.. yuki yaki bfeet
cheechun bday ==> changing appetites

ahaha
lolz
changing appetities actuali nt bad
affordable n nice food oso
i drool over food
although my 1 nt the nicer
but i see others
so yummy
i regret my choice.. black pepper silfon steak(duno how to spell) which cost 16.90

but super yummy
nice
shiok
hee

food paradise marina square sia

hehe
i wan bring my gf to go there too
haha..

hmm actuali at first wan to go marina bay.. but when we reach there. wl changed plans.. sian
haha i m actualli wan to go see chienwen mumor sis whether they r still working there arnot..
haha..
kidding

den we take taxi over to city hall where we deliberated for very long
haha
finali go marina square

the time will be abt 2 hrs after we first mit..
lolz our grp is very indecisive

the food is gd the company is gd..
but i cant seem to get into the mood..
maybe too long nv see them
duno wat to tok liao..

wah i a born loner..

n hmm this outing burnt mymoney for this mth..
oh shit my fone bills..

Sometime i tink i very dumb

hm.. okie la.. 1 wk gone again .. now is dec 3..alreadi

xmas is coming.. wonder wat i will do

i gt no plans..

wishing to see some ppl but somehow i dun tink they will

romantic season.. xmas..

but sad also i guess

lonely lonely lonely lonely jincai....

haha.. i dunnoe wat to look forward liao..but i guess

i just have to live from day to day..

yesterday nite off nv blog.. but sneak out to come out to blog

lol.. today is wednesday..shouldnt be here at all.. my nites off days are tuesday n thursday!
but i sneak out of camp.. haha
wana enjoy life out here.. listen music play games.. chat with fren
so shiok

haha.. duno time passes quite slow or i should say fast sinceit is the end of nov le..

actuali today should be the end of HR audit..

However, mysuperior delayed it by 2 more wks..

so sian lo.. i just hate changes

i prepped properly for this lo

2 more wks.. it seemm so far away

but 1 mth later it is end of the yr

lolz..
haha.. actuali wish for the end of yr come soon..

maybe nxt yr will be a better yr
yeah
it willb full of happiness n joy nxt yr..

i hopeeeeeeeeeeee soo

hmm i get guard duty on 31 dec 2005.. haha wat a way to end yr 2005

anyway 2005 sux for me la.. it is a apt way to end this horrible yr..

but i would nt regret noeing more frens in this yr.. haha i noe amelia.. yingying.. n many more ba

wat will nxt yr bring

hmm justcounting the days to ord.. 387 days..

i woke up early morning.. ard 9

den online all the way..

see my bills shocked.. my 1mth pay!!

see my msn contact wana cry..

nobody to chat

or rather gt alot of ppl

but no favourite person is online

lol.. i just wasting away la...

stare at com screen whole day

wat i get frm the end of the day

:

1 pair of tired eyes

added a nice gal called shiying.. frm wholivesnearu..she studied ntu acct.. pretty


buttock rot n pain..

i wan my life back

saturday nite

haha... lolz finali haf some sort of long wkend.. although i friday duty..veri sian.. nth much happen..

hmm sat morning go out.. take cab to central fire station.. wah super xiong lo.. pay abt 7 dollar..
sian

2 perosn share sumore..

nxt time dun take cab le.. cibai driver.. eat our money i tink.. keep gg in circles..

nth 1 la the exhibition

after awhile can fall out le


den me n camp mates went walk aaard the arear to find fodd to eat.. walk walk

i m simply uninterested in shopping n viewing stuff.. food food! heavy bag sumore..

poor me

finali settled on raffles city food junction..

ahh hungry... bought beef noodles but found out tat there is satay beehoonn.. my craving

unfortunately dun get to eat it.. any1 can jio me in future?

sian i kana laughed n made fun by my frens

m i reali a entertainment toy for ppl
ppl laugh at me for being stuoid doing stuoid things..

maybe i reali stupid, nt as smart as i would tink..


sian tink wo shi ben ben de nan ren..


den go home le.. slp slp

haha
ard 7 pmwake up

totally refreshed!!

n now 340am i still awake..

haha.. sumtime i tink i a nite person.. caan onli b truly alive in nite

ahhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh

a sms come.. i gt a movie date

working makes my blood boil..

i cannt take it le la..

finali report gd results in HR audit.. i get 100%.. abit cheating but still pass ..

but unfortunately the cheer of finishing the hurdle nv last long.

hmm.. during the course of last mth, i finali piss off my chief clerk..

frm early wk she started to aim me..

hmm i reacted.. maybe abit stupid of mi.. but i cant help it if she is incapable and truly in the wrong ..

i kana called up by my officer.. n hmm kana lectured.. it could be worse..

i could be charged for insuborbination..


i tink in army u can be easily be killed by any1 as long as he has the power..

i tink saf has given those fat cats in the military too much power..

hmm maybe it can reason it is to maintain disclipine...

but wat if the superior did not like subordinates.. maybeif just becoz he stepped on her toes or wat..

i realli dun like woman liao.. they r really vengeful..

they can anyhow ppulll the law book and charge the people anyhow.. i work in the admin.. there r realli alot of ways of a superior can deal with his subordinates.. abit disgusted with it..

i tink all the nsf must really depend on the compassion of his superiors.

his future can be easily destroyed bvy a person in the army. he can bloody hell be thrown into db for 7 days and therefore haf a criminal record..

maybe i tink abit too much..

i guess i learn a bit lesson.. dun trifle with man in power

i shall keep quiet and keep a low profile

tml i duty.. ashall hope the days goes faster.. n lian fogive me?

hmm i cant say anything

hmm i almost cried when i see some person blog

i can see somebody more sadder than me,,suffer more than me..
hmm.. sometime i tink whether i did suffer alot..or is this world just fair to every person by making their life worse for me?

every person would have their sad moments.. the moments they wan to die.. the monets they missed thier loved 1.. the moments they wan to live for tat special one..

i veri tired..

i just feel y the world cant make the ppl all happier..

i returning to army soon..

i cant tell the world how sad i m..

maybe i should keep eveyrthing to myself..

i should keep something to myself..
i keep my hopes up

somehow i tink lifewill b better

for u
for her

for me

in my deepest corner of my heart, i wish u all the best..

bored sunday

i cant seem tofind anything interesting in life.. since tat day..


msn.. maybe i getting tired of it liao..
alway same old ppl?


i dunnoe lei... maybe i just nt the guy anymore..

getting far far away frm wat im..

i just hope i cangrow even older..

i wan to decry llife

life is nt interesting

i felt detached

summary of the wk

haha.. erm duno la..

feeling used to the life
although tio abandoned by gal, but spent enjoyable time with wl n cw in his celebration dinner..

hmm this wk.. though monday scary.. but the rets of the wk go smoothly.. next monday PATS.. HUMAN RESOURCE AUDIT

SCARY.. bless me to gothrough it smoothly

just let me survive..
wat will the wkend bring..

morning haf to go back cmap do some work
sian
haha
but xi guan le

i tink i cna b officer liao.. scarfice all for army..

for pride n honor
integrity

hello

hi i gt nth to say


to update:

1) my specs spoil

2) i waiting for wkend

3) i been confined... no nites off.. no canteen breaak

ahh
i grown fatter

i still yearn for her

i burnt alot of money

yesterday i spent alot of money.. buy strike.. go eat dinner at yuki yaki....

si bei sian.. when i go home...i overshoot my mrt stop n landed in pari ris ............n it is past 12

haha

i duno how i do it.. must b too tired..


morning i spent it in camp.. afternoon go buy present for wl..

den nite go yuki yaki restaurant

haha.. icecream buffeet.. so cute.. they make the erm pot(duno say rite arnot) cold cold cold cold...

den we supposed to put in the icecream cream.. haha we took many flavour..

my personal favoooourite mixture is honeydew plus green apple.. ha..

we like small kids keep playing with icecream..

n of coz must mention the yuki yaki SUSHI...nt bad la.. first time eat.. a enjoyable experience..haha i took many sushi n keep eating it

n of coz i tried BABY OCTOPUS...
eeeeeeeeeeek
eat until my stomach squirm...

experience experience.. but tad bit expensive.. wah spent abt 30plus.. now conifrm i lose money in strike.. abt 60 plus

sian

hmm anyway so sad i could not go out with her.. cannt see movie with her

hmm blogging at 3.30am

somehow i feel empty in life..

nthg will satisfy me..

i just keep hoping eveyrthing will become the same back again..

every1 going to uni..

hmm i will b left behind?

hmm hopefully in 2007 we will b the same roti prataplace eating rotiprats and toking cock.....

n hmm i would wish to see

1) her at bugis .. see her shop fervently by then.. see her at chomp chomp

2) see her at ps... n eat dinner with her and see her at marina bay

3) see her at kbox and see movie and haf lunch with her at ps..

2007 will come and there will be many changes.. why i dun wan say 2006? becoz most of us still in ns n doing same stuff.. after ns.

life will change.. i will treasure the yr ahead...

hopefully, she, she and she will b back by then...

on a brighter note

facing deportation?

maybe tat nt a bad thing anyway

i want to escape frm this country le

it is leaving me more more bad memories

i miss her le.. she bring me happness... orld, there is no1 but her

maybe i should gif up my singaporean citizenship
n go else where

far away frm here

i duno wat to do

huh.. i a minor citizen?

wat tat?

i duno wat to do

they say if i nv go take oath of allegiance, i will be stripped of singapore citizenship n deported out of singapore

huh

i nt reali singaporean?

erm must go do it fast..
if nt i a illegal immgrant?

nice food

today is wednesday- nth happne in camp

tuesday

hmm went to old airport road eat fried kway teow
haha.. always wan to try it
it different
it much nicer in taste
n gt a unqiue taste
haha.. thumbs up

then went to katong eat laska
hehe
yummy
unique oso
great food

any food kakis?

any food recommendation
i dun care how far
n how expensive
food food!

its been a mth since we tok

continue to write on abt my life

olevel judgement day

hmm i quite scared tat day.. i walk gingerly to sch.. failing is unforgiveable.. passing is inconsolable

i haf to do well for myself
do well for my mother
hmm
quite scared n see alot of old frens at scha few mth apart frmolevel exams..
every1 is still ok
hmm
ng meiling, my form teacher is there

i received my result
my tears start to drop
i failed my english
gone my hopes
gone my dreams
all As but failed english..lol

u gt see this kind of person.. i cant hold my emotions.. i look at the result while i walked back to home. i cried.. i screamed, " why the world treat me like this"

i duno wat to do.. maybe frm tat time my life changed entirely?


temasek poly

i cant blame any1 for my ineptitudeness..my fialure..
i duno wat to choose in poly
i just ti gum..
i just chose dip in infocomm becoz it contain info..
mean just study information?
lol
n it dun nid pass english
i went into temasek poly
attended orientation
felt weird
but i felt i belong
hmm
mit asten samuel n ppl who will be my polyclassmate for the last 3 yrs..

actuali poly life is nthg much...
everyday slack ard inlecture hall
piak for projects n
exams..
i mit chee chun in yr 1 sem 2.. actuali we classmate since first day..
but hmm
duno la we just clicked in yr 1 sem 2 when we become proj mates.. n we been proj mate for yr2 oso..
haha he introduced me to chenwei , weelung ... nahh duno how n why our frenship developed..
ahah
i m just a guy who played soccer after class..
i just alway will jio them play soccer.
somhow over games n over time our frenshiop developed..
n i become outgoing .. or i alway been outgoing.. i beginning to trust ppl
haha
i alway cant forget how we play soccer matches on astroturf n street soccer court.. usuali played tilll the dead of nite.. at nite we will wander ard tp.. oso. n haha when we finish the soccer games late at nite.. usualli gt a grp o volleyball girls training..
.. maybe since then i become a se gui.. alway looking at gals.. i abit bad hor.. alway bio gals.. yucks.. i duno wh i look at gals.. why cant i treat them as a normal person.. becoz they r nt so special anyway..

alot of things i cannt forget abt poly life..
it simply the greatest time i haf
although nt academically
becoz it reali suffered
i noe alot of special frens..
haha i glad i gone thorugh poly

i just glad although i lost my mum, i gained alot of true frens...

INTERNET


internet haf changed many ppl ife
it certainly haf changed mine
as u noe
although i can sound like a veyr noisy outgoing person
but actuali i veyr quiet person
i a passive person
maybe abit negative?
but definitely not a person who interact well with person

haha duno how ppl see me as
i definitely nt a person who dun say thing well
or do thing well

hmm internet chaned my life
it made me a internet addict rite now
i cant surivive without internet
maybe tat why my social skills haf suffered as well

i noe alot of frens fmr internet
n they haf made my lfie more enjoyable too
maybe in the next post i will try to say more?
becoz i abit tired

lousy life

hmm
no pt on dwelling on things that happen the way u do not intend to happen, but instead watch how fate changes ur life..

i cant forsee wat ppl tink.. i cant force ppl to tink my way..

i have my way..
i have my will

maybe sometime i do seem negative
but i understand things in life happen for a reason
i like to tink negatively
nt becoz i want ppl attention
nt becoz i just feel my life sux
just that i dun expect much abt my life
i dun reali try to expect much frm ppl
expect much frm life
becox they usually disappoint u


i duno wat is expected frm me.
but u cannt expect much frm me
i just a normal person with emotions
a person who tink more than he should

haiya..
jialat la


ben dan hor
but i will try to be as i m
becoz i cant see how bad m i
haha
i just b a cheerful ., lame , unromantic, slow, a person who cant decide how to pursue his life..
who duno how to make decision
haha

in five yrs, i just b me with a grp of fren.. chenwei, chee chhun, weelung, waichuan, tony, alvin. najib, ah kuang..

sharing wat knowledge n happiness with them

i will treat them the greatest as i can gif them.,..

becoz i noe i a gd fren
i treasure ppl
they noe i a gd person ableit lame, careless, sloppy
they dun begrudge ppl on a just a fault, or several faults..
becoz they onli remember how gd i m
nt how bad i m

i just jincai,
who cheer up thier life..
who gif them a spark of life
who support them in time of nid
who lend a ear to them
who alway just being jincai... "slow"

so many yrs le.. but a moment of "bad" cant chnage the many yrs of frenship we haf

frenship is above all.. dun question my commitment towards me

i alway committed to each fren frm the day i noe them

seeing ppl blog so little in a entry yet can express alot, i wonder if i can do that tooo..
haha
it may leave ppl yearn for more.. to noe more abt her life.. somhow i duno how to say short entries
my blog is alway full of rambling entries..

full of rubbish
haha..

i a person who dun get angry easily
i can give n take
hmm n i like o make ppl irritate.. somehow hmm i like to see ppl angry.. haf some reaction
haha.. such a prankster i m
lol.. tat why i gt so few frens ba..
uniquely those frens i haf is who can tolerate my crapness.. my lameness..
haha
they knew how to deal with me..
tat why they r my frens..
tat y i noe i nv be alone..

as i look forward to days of torturous army life..
1 yr of this life
still gt 1 yr to go..


maybe
i should haf to walk it alone..
i should probably just switch off my hp..

n just be there in body but no spirit
dun tink so much la, jincai
nobody care for u le..
u just a person who
can never be recognized

jincai... student of yumin pri sch
jincai.. student of paris ris sec
jincai..student of temasek poly
jincai.. in bedok camp as clerk
jincai.. a singapore citizen
died on oct 31 2005

I GOING BACK

I GOING BACK
I GOING BACK I
GOING BACK

HOPE I WUN BURN MY WKENDS

IF U NV HEARD FRM ME

WISH ME BEST IN ALL THE DAYS TO COME
AT LEAST LET ME GET OVER NOV 30 IN A PIECE

WITH PEACE N JOY

JINCAI U THE BEST

disgusted

i too disgusted for gdness sake

i had tried my best bt i still tio fucked still get crucified.

monday bridage check.. totally disgraced.. say out alot of mistkaes..

mebbe my heart is not there already


i just cannt work there le

it did nt give me any satisfaction there le

my whole life just revolve ard this stupid camp

expressing my anger n disgust here is the onli thing i can do..

haiz..

i tink i going to burn my wkends

sian


why i nv take my off earlier

now gt 3 4 days off in lieu

disgusted
how many times i say it

it been a yr in this camp
maybe i been there for too long
i cannt wait to get out of here

afternote: there is no body who can tok to me le.. cailian go le.. lijun nv listen to me.. amelia is just amelia.. chienwen just chienwen./..yingying too bz.. yufen just .....hmmmmmmmmmmm

let recall the world events

1984 oct 3

i m born


1989 jan 1

enrolled in kindergarden (TAMPINES PAP kindergarden at blk 261)

wear the silly blue uniform with tie eeks cant reali find pics of me..but can tell u i look tootz n cute

1991 jan 1

enolled into yumin pri sch which is near my hse again..
kao.. i cried lo first day.. but i like tat sch very much.. but hmm i quiet boi.. so i dun unsually attract ppl attention

zz.. i quite fuzzy abt my childhood memories.. everyday come home after sch.. sux.. do homework n play imaginary games..

haha.. i remeber a game i usually played by myself..

BUS INTERCHANGE

usually i will take something to act as bus.. hmm den i act as bus captain n bus driver..
hmmm si bei eek la.. now tat i remember

CONQUER THE WORLD

i imagine i conquer the world.. n hmmmmmm just daydream lo


i usually played by myself.. hmm i duno how i passed my 6 yrs but i did..

pri 4-6 i abit outgoing in sch.. lolz..interact more with ppl n teachers..
but somehow nobody become my close frens..

PRI 4 i remember i get second in class n my teacher asked me whether i wan to go to EM1 seeing tat i gt potential or so called potential

P6 PLAY TRUANT

somehow i cant take it le.. somehow i cannt take it.. P5 i struggle in studies.. PSLE YR I more stress.. Higher chinese more xtra lesson.. the expectation of being in the best class.. the self- presure i been giving myself.. everyday few days of class i will walk into sch den hide in the corner of the sch..after the asembly, i will walk out od the gate..lol security nt gd.. i tink... hmm bt evenetually will b caught 1 mahz.. they warned me once
they warned me twice.. but i too stressed.. finally.....
they called my mother into the principal office..
mebbe tat why i love my mother so much
she just stared at me n nv say much.. she cried.. i cried when principal basically recounted wat i do..
she noes the pain i go through....
although she alway beat me, alway throw me out of the hse for wat fuck thing i do.. ask me kneel for ages...
she alway noe she doing it for the best of me..
mebbe her love also alienate the the need of taking care of myself alienating myself frm reality
beoming a child tat nv grow up
haiz..
cannt blame her.. she just wan the best for me..for being me, i just failed to grow up as a person and just failed in duty as a person n as a son.. hmm i nv reali did well in psle.. 216 is my aggregate.. hmm i quite embarassed in 1 incident whereby the teacher announced the schs we chose.. n hmm my selection is the worst in the class.. mebbe i justhaf no confidence by then..hmm
so choose the worst aggregate sch i can ever find in prss.. although i was like placed in top 20 in class..ppl say i smart .. but i dun tink so.. i just haf the application.. if i choose to work hard, i can do it 1.. bu somehow my personlaity huh.. sux.. too passive
too quiet

1997 jan 1
i enrolled in sec 1...pasir ris sec.. sec 1/2
my form teacher is a motherly person who is calked ms serene toh..
so many subjects..

n i haf become a so called impish person..
i will play tricks n basically just wan attract person..
hmm
tio mother beating alot sia .. i remember.. but hmm
i dun go out with frens.. i dun reali remember 1 time i ever go to arcade with freen.. or go shopping centre to roam..
i will usually confine myself to home..
hmm doing hw work? dun reali remember

but tink watch tv alot
played alot in sch

too many subjects in sec 1..
strugglled
failed arts..
haha
but overall ok la
found my love in history.. love reading..
mebbe tat how i found my penchant for overimagining...

sec 2

haha adapted well to sec sch life liao.. kao kana tuition.. my mother la.. see my reuslts jialat enrolled me into tuiton at blk 201
every mondayw ed fri. sian.. sit there like gong kia
but found my love in chinese chess..
let me find a few fren who loved chinese chess as well
making more frens?
hmm make life easier
still as impish as ever
alway kajiao ppl
hmm but still nt close to ppl
ahh
become part of a gang.. played soccer everyday after sch..
haha.. but alway go home after 5
love playing soccer.. it a pleasure
mebbe when i m happy. then i do well in studies..
do welll in sec 2 streaming.. tink gt many A1..DUN reali remmeber how many
but get into second best class
becoz of the love for history
sec 2 is a fun period.. we r the worst class but we haf the most fun in sch..
i love sec 2.... miss goh chai peng my form teacher.. ncie teacher
sad to go to sec 3

sec 3
hmm ms ng meiling my form teacher..
haha duno why i alway tio females teacher... n i quite gum with them.,..
my report bk can show it..
n hmm i a hardworking student to them,..
sec 3 ok la
nt as funa s sec 2
but still a impish person
do make a impact in class
made alot of ppl noe my names..
me attract attention kia
but still nv interact much with ppl after class
alway go home?
n anyway i already started wrking after pri 6
lol maybe tat why i seem bz?
get gd results in sch
my reults alway tio compared.. n i do compare
i alway get top few placing


sec 4
olevel yr..
very serious.. i knew i haf to do well
i wasted many yrs.. i noe i can do welll

still a impsih person..
n alway get laughed at for my antics..
haha
i alway love presenting
i alway make ppl laugh
n hmm mebbe becoz i do nto present well
i alway try different tones to say words.. n do silly actions
hmm
bascially a person who r lookingfor attention

geek.. still a lonely with no best frens.. still working at my mother place..
iknew i haf to do well for my future..
i wan to go jc.. i wan make my mother proud
hmm the mth b4 i threw myself into a room
locke myself with a flask of water
with my testbook
n bascially studied whole day in room
hmm
i reali worked very hard
while working every wkend

olevel judgement day

THE STORY SHALL CONTINUE.. NO STAMINA TOW RITE FOR NOW

stoopid jincai

stoopid jincai again..

lolz.. blunder again

do things i should do again

no point le..

no way back

anyway , my stupid delete my contacts.. i haf tried to retrieve all of my contacts..
however some is nt saved...

i hope every1 can add me back.. n lol

jincai is just jincai..

dumb n stupid n foreverduno how to become a person

she just wun understand

.i tink i did it again..

lol i create another lijun..=x

hmm she totally ignore mi le

she just dun understand

or hmm i just dun understand her well euff..

hmm i alway played this kind of jokes on ppl lei

yesh i m childish .. yesh i bad..


but u will noe i seriously just joking.. maybe this joke is abit bad.. but hmm. wat will u do when u haf a fone n u r alone in the office, doing nth but stariing at com
i stare at com whole day.. n doing OT again,..
n hmm i succesfully played this trick on 2 of my fren earlier
they nv took it seriously n successfull recognize my voice after awhile.. i nv seriously fake my voice..it just another boliao stuff i do.. hmm duno how it is linked to hw i treat my frens..

hmm maybe seriously i do treat my frens badly.. maybe tat why i gt so few frens..
but i given all to my frens request.. nv refuse them..

i seriously am tired..

n hmm seriously hey i guess i just face the com everyday la.. no point going out.. no point toking to ppl..

hmm maybe it will be my childhood again... always alone.. alwayjust being alone at home.. eat slp work.. how i wish i could find work to occupy myself.. hmm work do solve problems.. =) i worked frm the age of 11..

maybe i just be a workhorse.. haf no feelings.. just worked to death

i rambling again

grieving is part of the process.. but why for me, it take so long?

hmm

life is so unfufilling for me

i duno why i cant tink of positive side of life
see the rainbow of life
see the kids mingling ard happily
remember the joy of success
enjoy the process of striving for something unachieveable
hmm
maybe tat why i alway tink of ways of outdoing myself
but u;timaelt i duno
maybe i nt gd euff
lolz
my negative thinking kick in again..
hmm
i want to try out for the standard chartered marathon during dec period.. 10lm

ahha although nt alot for us.. but it is a milestone for me..

ACCA.. accounting degree.. a difficult challenege.. a mountain to climg.. i wan to climb it.. although i noe i will end up bruised.. but no effort mean no success.. try n fail is at least better

at least ic an live with it..

so long nv see cailian le
where she gone
i sori for wat i did
it just childish

protect my life

i just dun wan to live


life has become bland


life has become a routineeeeee

i waan break against the barrier



but i wan build a wall that protect me against the people who want to hurt me

so many ppl hurt me

so many ppl passed by ,my life n left something for me to grieve

saw a article on new paper today

abt a husband who everyday go to his wwife n daughter grave to say word to her since 2001.........

he grieve for her

he blame himself for nt dying with them......

but he live on
such guilt
how he live on with it

i oso duno how i going to live

it beeeeen 4 1/2 yr already

i cannt move on

hia i make ppl angry with my antics

hmm i make ppl angry again le

with my lousy boliao antics
why i slame n bliao
why i dun tink b4 i act?

tuesday i do something bad
i dun wan say wat stuf
just tat i feel sori for those action

but it all in a bit of impulse

sad

hmm on other note,

1 more day of army
den 2 days of freedom
yeah!!

i very tired i just wan to b on gd terms with tat gd fren again

sunday in short

hmm 1 more day to bk in day.. veri sian la

wake up abt 11

get short notice to watch movie

in 40 min i must reach plaza singapura to watch movie lo

watch GOAL

a movie abt a aspiring football star who travel across LA to england to realise his dream...

his fathe rstoppied
but with his support fmr his grandma.. and his belief..

he finali got wat he wants.. despite his dad died...
den go makan n walk ar.d..
sms sister when bishan event start

reach there at 5
sister havent reach
i saw tempura

she pretty in black
haha
saw chuying oso
nn
she nv recognize me
wah so sad lo

but her figure super gd!~!
went up concert stage with my poster n my ticket for them to sign
they all shook my hand.. =)
i yoz them

mayday roxs

haha
nt much a fan of chasing sstars
but i like the feeling of them performing live
so alwya try to make to thier events

hoping to see them sing live

den abt 7 i reach tvmediacorp.. i going to watch superfunkie recording

hehe

haha mayday is performing
they sing ya guan n chi zu

gagaga.. i see superstars live..:s
they r very cold

jokes sux
haha
tot tv caught me many times
remember to see the 6th or 7 esposide of superfunkie which gt mayday

finali end my date.. nt going back camp sian.. life
looking forard to wkend

5 more days

=) wkend le..

yeah wkend le.. i love wkends..


i gt nthg to say

mit ada online..


amelia last day of attachment

actuali i wan write abt long essay abt my 21 yrs in earth
n my targets?

but too tired le la.. tml lo. see lo..

i tink of her every moment n every day

every1 kena scolded la

hmm sian

every1 kena scolded

i dun like to tok abt army..

it onli gif me bad memoriess

why cant a army life be nice experiences onli?

ahhhhhhhhh


issit becoz of me n fucked up attitude?

issit becoz i just nt smart euff
nt gd euff?

i tot hard work can solve eveyrthing

u must haf abit of smartness la
sianz

i just wan to b free

forever

kill myself?
lijun i nt negative person la.. i just wan to make life difficult for me..

but i noe i gt a bunch of gd fren who soldier along with me.. i love them . n i love u too..!!!

hahaha

p.s i m pennilesss

i want money

where did money drop frm?

frm sky?

i want get money

hmm
money money


boring day.. whole day work n work.. no relaxation
stress stress
no life
dun wan to live

ahh
l wish some1 will entertain me

oct 3

i growing fat..

today woken up by noisy sounds

noisy.. den spent afternoon online

den cynthia asked me out

see her so sian waiting for mi at tampines control station

hmm ask her wat things bother her..


she gt no mood to eat..

den we go eat svensson eat icecream..

i eat firehousehapi bday

so nice

hmm

tml going to bk in le.. so sianz

hmm i tink alot of ppl r looking through my blog

my 21st birthday dinner and ktv

unique birthday celebration......

celebrate in the middle of chinatown..

eating by road side stalls..

enertained by ppl doing acrobatic activities

music blasting out of the cd shops

hehe

interesting hor.. i like the concept very much

hmm abt 5 plus i reach the chinatown mrt.. saw cailian.. she long ago reach le.. hehe oops i forget to tell her she will be the onli gal in the dinner.. hmm cynthia nv come due to some reasons.. veyr last min notification.. it is my fault la.. hmmm but more ppl more merrier mahz.. :P she keep on saying she a alien..=x.. how unsensitive n how ....... i am.. paisehz

all aside, we buy alot of food.. yummy yummy.. haha...

eat eat eat.. tok tok tok...

then quite touched to see the birhtday card they gave me.. thanks chee chun. must b his idea.. lol=)

i like the idea very much.. n thanks tose who left the msgs inside..

but the biggest surprise come in a green bag..

hmm i open it.. n i saw something purple.. hmm but i tot it is just a shirt..

i nv believe

n i nv expeect

they will buy me a authentic arsenal jersey

wah..
haha

i duno wat to say.. it is a super surprise

it veyr gd n thoughtful of them to buy this.. arsenal real jersey lei.. sure expensive 1

haha i nv owned a authentic arsenal jersey although i had supported them for 7 yrs..

hmm becoz i will nv haf enough money or heart to buy it becoz it is too expensive..

hmm very thanks

n u fufiled 1 of my wish of owning a arsenal jersey

=)

ahh

cailian present..

hehe

she said she will give me a present

i was expecting her to give some erm "yi shi yi shi " present.. some erm usable stuff.. but nt very out of range for a present..

she actuali gave me a real casio watch.. it look expensive...

wah my fren say it could be up to 100 hundred dollars plus plus.. wah

erm

i duno wat to say.. but i quite touched by this.. nobody had given me a present that is so ex before..

n by 1 person somemore

haha.. i duno wat to give uon ur 21st bday liao wor:P

u really given me a problem

hmm then we go for ktv to sing n sing our hearts off.. wah by 10 plus we r reali quite tired....

then went home


i enjoyed my birthday n i thank those who had attended my birthday dinner.. although it is nt grand or crowded..

but it show the frenship between me n them... how much they valued my frenship.. i love my frens..i valued all of u all. forgive me if sometime i very insensitive very $#@#$... i m a fucked up person.. i did nt derserve all the thing n memeories u haf given me..=) hmm may our frenship last long n long.. till eternity

chee chun chenwei weelung wenqiang teck guan ah kuang

cailian

jaja.. 21st bday a success.. n a memorable day

fsunday morning

ok.. let recount the days since i bk out.. i quite happy tat day becoz it is early book out.. wah abt 6pm i m out of camp.. n no1 bother abt me..

shiok

then . hmm... play com online till 11 plus.. then omg.. i dozed off.. n slept till the next day....

sat morning oso play com.. afternoon..
2pm went out.. must go chenwei commissioning parade..

hehe.. by rite 3 pm i should reach jurong east mrt.. haha. bt 315 pm then reach.. sianxxx

but then something cock up.. as our leader tan weelung cock up.. lolz..teck guan informed him wrongly to mit at jurong east mrt.. instead the meeting place should be at boon lay mrt.. nabei.. then the other guy can come ard at 4plus... wah lau eh.. i can come out later 1..

then spend 1 hr or so toking cock with him n listening him..

haha then finali ard 430 reach boon lay la.. then $#$@2 no toomany ppl flaging for taxi.. then luckily we go take bus.. 193..

then reach SAFTI MI..shiok.. the place is big.. we need a shuttle bus to reach the staium which is located depe inside..

hmm

i saw some of my unit sirs there

in i will see future my unit sir in the newly commissioned officers..

MR THARMAN IS THERE AS GUEST OF HONOUR..

the ceremony is solemn and sincere...

weelung keep cracking jokes.. n hmm we saw chenwei in the paarde square, dressed smartly in his no 1...

ahhhhhhhhh i wan wear no 1..

haha...

then they do a series of march by n so on la..

z.z all boring routine.. normal pop parade.. predictable..ahhh somebody bayonet or handguard or something fell off.. eevry1 ooopppppppppppp in the stadium.. wah sia suay..

haha.. then last part is they climb up the stadium to march past us... haha weelung veyr funny sia.. ask chenwei whether he eat alreadi.. haha chenwei is caught smiling.. n the person beside him almost lost its footing.. weelung can nv fail to makeppl laugh..

hahaha.. kao i wish i haf the abaility lei..

then the parents put on their amulet for them.. wah.. then we took photos.. n then i CLIMB UP OCS TOWR THE LION..haha

gt pics to prove wor..

hmm.. then we went to chinatown to eat dinner.. then we scoured for the $10 dollar cheap cheap ktv..

ahhhhhhhhhh tiring wor..

then the day ended happily n i wnt home

dreams n bday

i wan money...............

i wan presents...........
haha

no la..
i gt a list of wat iw ant..

hmm

any1 wan help achieve it?

on course

today i on course..

haix... morning went to toa payoh hub.. finali find out the sadness of everyday taking mrt working population.. sad sad.. see ppl faces all glum glum

haha.. during whole day course.. i learnt nthg.. i just feel sleepy.. i slpt all the way sia..

hah saliva almost dropm out of mouth.. eek..

den 4something off course..

hapi day spent..

hmm now online.. nth to do.. thinking of my bday dinner.. will any1 come??

or will there b a bday dinner?!!


ahh i hope this fri evening i can bk out

=.= mon nite finish

monday so fast finish,,,,

day go so fast..

i wan eveyrday off


i wan everyday sit in frt of com n surf net

although it is boring


but it is still better than in army

haha cuiting wish me hapi bday

cute i alwya like cuiting attentiveness

it hurts to see a gal in some1 arms

lol.. frenship do end after awhile rite

crushes do diappear in disappointments

when can i ever love again

haha.. nt llooking for love

still feel i nt as qualified as a person

how to measure a person success

is it by his wealth
his achievements


i bungled

i know little things

i just cant b a person

a failure by life

i achieved nthg

hmm monday blues....

hey hey i gt alot of things nv clear.. hope they wun disturb me tml

tonite every

i feel like a soldier

i feel like a fucking soldier when i involed in army shit

lolz.. i dun wan to a army clerk

i wan chiong suan liao

lol more interetsing

n dun nid tink 1
t

tired of admin work

so digustingly frustrating


yesterday waste my whole day

i fr i nite bk in..

then 5am wake up

go eat murtabak n bun at coolkhse

den take store tunnel to pasir laba camp

den we set up range

den do nthg while they shoot

i carry alot of sandbags sia

z.z

they shoot until 9pm

lunch n dinnner at pasir laba camp sux

den go back camo ard 930.. reach camp ard 11

then clear armskote n shit..

abt 12 plus bk out

den go with my frens n officer to go eat at blk 85
fucking shiok
den my fren drive me home
2plus reach home

this end my loong long sturday

i off on monday.. any1 wan to go out wiht mi/?

fri nite.. bad news come in

fighting against the gloom that shadow over my heart... n mind... n threaten to swallow sanity whole.. i going crazy.. i going mad..

i m disgusted against saf

i m disgusted by human selfishness

i oso gt thing to do wad..


i wan go marina bay with my fren.. eat steamboat bbq oso..

buuutttttttttttttttttttt

actually some1 is slated to go for atp fatigue work at pasir laba camp.. which will take 1 whole saturday...

sunday bk out
but

he go complain.. say he gt gf date at sat.. pui.. he confirm dun wan his saturday burnt onli..

life sux..

i oso wan go fren marina bay dinner..

but why i cant go
i kana arrowed to go for this stupid thing i dun nid to go at the first day


stupid saf

stupid human selfishnessss

i m disgusted n disappointed

long time no update..

hmm..
duno lei

yesterday i book out at abt 12am.. midnite
wah lau eh.. take taxi home lo.. sian lo.. i cant stand a nite in this stupid camp
sumor ei coming back on sunday doing duty.. knn ..

i hate this camp.. teh ppl inside.. the fakeness in every1 including me..

i haf no motive except to get through my ns life in 1 piece..

sumhow there alway thing alway gt shit tat will ahppen to disrupt my harmony.. my peace.. my hope.. i tired to live..

my everlasting theme.. tired to live.. lol..

sumhow i wish to die to let some1 live..
since my llife is worthless..
maybe my organ b donated to let ppl live on.. maybe tat is my greatest wish...
duno why god let ppl who dun deserve to live on to live
while those who haf family to live for frens to die for to b stricken with some caqncer some disease tat stripped them of dignity and life.. leaving those who he left behind in sadness...

i deserve to die..
since i gt nthg to live on
let those who haf to live on to live on..

oh god..

i dun haf courage to kill myself


i going marina to eat steamboat soon..lolx

why i so tired

ya why i so tired after everyday

guess is

1) heavy workload
2) stupid superior
3) lousy colleague

N OF COZ LOUSY ME

lolz.. i lament becoz i still gt 1 yr 3 mth to go b4 ord.. wah lau eh..

tiredddddddddddddddddd

19 more days

still dying n duno wat to do

AHM

hi.. i a 21 yr old nsf who just went through ahm.. zzzzzzz.. morning i go army half marathon.. run 6km.. siannn
jialat la.. long time nv run.. but surprise di still can make it.. hehe..
saw quite alot of gals.. quite athletic.. i guess gals alway look gd doing sports..
hmm
nthg to update la.. afternoon i go kbox play...
sing sing.. sing new songs.. quite shiok..
sat nite early bk in... si bei sian la...
hmm oso lose quite alot of money..lol
sad ..cannt go chalet becoz her fren dun let me go??

i nt invited huh?

hmm see ppl blog abt her bday chalet.. so sad dun tink i m invited.. n to tink tat time she invite me tat time..

sad

i tink maybe i too wrong alreadi.. maybe i did something wrong..

prepare for friday bk out

lol..
boring these few days.. coming back after 1 wk mc make me refreshed n more tired of this life.. alway doing woirk.. alway doing shit.. but

life continues

at least 1 wk is going to be finished soon..
yeah..

nthg to highlight becoz it is a boring life..

just wish eveyrthing can go more betetr in my social life

25 days more

sunday..

in conlusion, wkend is a bore..

completed my fm a season.. aston villa finish runner up in champ league n finish 6th.. this is my second season.. qualify for uefa cup

tsk tsk nxt season will b better


no life la.. tml going back camp

damn

it gg to b a drag again

i will count down to wkend

wkend faster come..

1 more yr
1 more yr

hehe
1 more mth to bday

3 sept

lol wkend had come.. my mc had ended

just now saw a show on ch 8 abt the brave ppl who had come through adversities n live on..it profile a wife whose husband suddenly went mad n killed his son.. he is undergoing depression tat time.. n then he commit suicide upon noeing wat he had done..

hmm a single day.. she lost two of her dearest person.. n noeing the fact is her husband took away all these.. this is a huge blow to any1... she took time to reover.. n telling herself there r worse ppl with worse fate than her.. she finali succeeded in getting her life back.. her grief still remain.. but she continue to live on in memory for her husband n son..

lol.. tears alway accompanied her through those two terrible yrs after her son n husband died.. the memories alway tortured her..
but she lived on..

hmm sad hor.. alway so sad to see dearest ppl to die so early at young age

i a person who oso gone through tat

i understand tat truly

it is a unexpected loss

1 nite

n then she is gone

gone frm my life forever

i miss her terribly

i reali tink of her everyday
n how she will support me


i lost my crutches..
i lost my mum
ppl had survived n lived on with their grief

but why havent i?
why cant i do something with my life

no 1 understand me...

1 more mth.. i m 21.. will she b happy?

why kelly nv win?

hmm today is sept 1.. hapi teacher days..

lol

n this is superstar day..
frm 730 i watch till 11

no doubt the production team has done a great job.. lolx.. these 5 mth i tink they earn quite alot of money.. this is a well planned franchise.. so gd ^^

lol..sad lei kelly nv win but in the end xinhui oso nv win.. so hmm this show tat ppl who put in effort does nt realli alway come first???

talent and effort does nt equal to success??

loll but in the end this is showbiz.. logic does nt really apply here..

hmm still quite upset abt the result..

but i guess this is just showbiz..

life still goes on..

hmm i hope to b first oso

but i cant seem to find my niche

kelly xinhui jia you

i wish i had died at tat day 4th may 2001

hmm

duno why
dun ask me why

why i say tat date

for this four yrs i lived since tat day

iit is filled with so much pain

so much frustration

under all these smile

under my easygoing personality

lie a guy deeply scarred by a loss

deeply scarred by the events tat had happened since

a lost soul searching for happiness

i cant deny i m fortunate

i cant deny i haf such gd luck to noe gd frens.. chee chun chenwei weelung tony najib alvin waichuan.. cailian chienwen .. help me with alot of stuff.. let me walk through this 4 yr with abit of happiness.. a taste of happiness tat i alway searching fo

blog chain

lol.. duno why i so wuliao to continue this blog chain.. but since it is passed to me by 1 of the nicest gal i ever noe in my life.. i shall continue it wor.. haha

in this chain i m supposed to write abt my five most weird habits? n gotta nominate five more person to continue this chain

hmm

five weird habits

1) whenever i was free at home, i will auto switch on my com... den on my msn to check for certain ppl whether they r online(usuali ppl la) n den on 933 to listen to music.. if gt.. usuali i will go disturb them. if dun haf den go to wholivenearu or frenster.. (weird hor.. so no life.. tot guys like my age should b out clubbing or walk or playing soccer or basketball with frens)

2) i usually will sms many ppl when i m bored.. if they reply.. if nt i will resms until they reply..
usually i will sms chienwen or cailian first...

3) i duno why i alway can doze off still wearing my specs n i usually like to listen to my mp3player to slp.. still wearing it to slp wor

4) i duno why i can daydream of different gals..

5) Every sunday i would like to have the special $2 nasi lemak for breakfast..hee,, nv change.. for wkday alway eat toast or coffee or noodles with coffee


for frens.. i nominaate cailian, chienwen, amelia, yanping,lijun

1 wk mc

now is my fourth day of my mc.. nt bad la..

i tink i will wan mc everyday.. rest at home so shiok
listen to my fav 933

but ah
:P
still haf to face the reality of work la..

sian.. my teeth still pain lei.. uncomfortable.. no wonder gt 1 wk mc... still havent recover fully..

lol..

saw jasmine aka weilin. haha.. she ah.. smoking at small mac at tampines.. notti notti.. say she notice me.. but somehow i dun tink so la.. haha.. dun dare approach him becoz of my face1!!!

very swollen..

weilin one of the gal i noe longest but somehow we cant haf many topics to tok

maybe becoz she lian lian ba..

hmm but i like her quite alot

quite cool n pretty

operation finished

omg i still alive..

hmm operation finsihed..

quite scary

now i in constant pain.. sian


slp the whle nite

trying to slp off the pain

now feeling better so i come n type this in.. so it serve as a memory as me

hmm abt 11am i reach hospital

i register myself..

den they ask me go into the waiting ward for operation..

asked me change into operation gown ( blue blue 1) eekk

wear cap tat look like shower cap(eek)


so eek eek

i saw a few patients in frt of me.
lolz.. i noe i haf wait for long..

my doctor found something in my xray tata i may haf something tat affect my operation

ask me go down to get another closer xray

lolz..
in the end nth appear in my xray.. wat a waste of time.. but hor the xray radiogrpaher is so pretty.. look china but pretty..
nice voice too

then i sit in the ward to wait for my turn..

den i can watch tv omg.. it shwoing a rerun of lkiang po po..
wait until 1 plus
its my turn alreadi. quite scary.. the nurse spray something up my nose.. saying it numb my nose as a tube must b inserted up my nose to allow me breathe in air..

hmmm i hold my balnket n the nurse ask me strippp....... haha.. no la.. just take off my jacket.. n ask me sit down at the operation bed.. eek.. scary.. they all wear operation gown. lolz.. den huh a anaanathesticist intro herself.. say she will put me to slp.. den huh.. she inserted some tube to my hand . saying it will bring the anaestic to my blood.. wah after a few moment.. i reali went to slp.. omg..

totally out of it............

den huh i wake up .. found myself still in operation table..lolz.. wah the nurse say i wake up earlier than expected..

den i lie grooggy in bed.. being pushed into waiting ward.. jialat jialat...

reali jialat sia

tink i nt reali suited for anaestis.. super groggy n headache super pain...

cannt tahan standing even

den omg when my brain turned clearer.. i overheard the doctor n nurse toking.. haha say the army dun let ppl slp 1 ah.. i reaalli slp like siao lo..cant wake up sia

hmm den father come fetch me home.. i insist on taking cab as i reali feel goroggy n headache...

i relai cannt tahan the long ride home by mrt

sian..

as of now in 27082005, i still cannt eat much or do anything much.. mouth still very swollen


if nobody noe, i just went trough a operation to remove wisdom tooth..

thks

going under knife...

i going operation on 26082005.

wah my first time going to operation

my first time being drugged to slp

how exciting.....

hmm hopefully i can come out alive!!

1 whole day of despatch

1 whole day of despatch

yesterday slp late

arsenal lost 1-0 to chelsea..

so sad

almost cannt slp

die le la

life sux

1 whole day of deaspatch
drive throug different camps
quite enjoy it
best part is that

i finali go jurong pt.........
i finali go boon lay
i nv been there b4

yeah army reali give me many opportunitesi to try things tat i nv try b4
i should treasure it

haha
today went through np
wah
see all those students

i almost wish i m one of them..

i just want haf no burden

saw a fren today.. haikal.. he thin like siao../ he a RP at tekong..omg.. army do change ppl

pui

just now i ty pe alot of thing.. but some how it gt refreshed n it just gone lidat.. maybe it is destined to let ppl see...

i lament abt my unluckiness in noeing some 'truehearted' frens

i alment i just look for gd in person
yet i neglect the badness in ppl

so easy leave me


we share so many experiences online

we share jokes


we mit each other

doesnt it affirm our frenship to each other.. our.........

ppl so ez desimplify frenship even though it is online..

chat once a wk= irritating so chat a mth.. she still say it doesnt matter to her..

maybe i too sensitive
but
it sound so bad .. so ungratefull..

no matter how ppl irritate me, i still treasure every moment with him.. brcoz he is once my fren
n i treat him like a fren as she has treated meeeeeeeeeee/

so bored hor my blog

haha

dunnoe la

my blog is boring i tink..


today friday nite.. nono is saturday early morning.. 4am le..

habent slp sia

going back campp soon for some shit thing.. alert amber.. lolx..

hmm lijun nv tok to me le..
i just dunnoe how to do le

yo.. thurs nite off.. no life for me?

hmm

my life sux la.. this wk settle shit n shit n shit..

i hate 3 guards..

duno when i can go oversea...


i wan go oversea le

i wan my life back!!

gd life back!!

i wan to b more proactive in life!!

hmm any1 help me??

i wan study acca??

how how?

hmm

i wan to take more courses..

gif me money??

i hate this world..

frioday coming soon

but alert amber activation ON 20 AUG

damn myself

hm i so immature..

die le la.. alway gt ppl say i immature.. how i gg to live with myself?

hmm i duno la

double blow last wkend.. lost hp.. sick for 2 days..

cant la.. must b retribution for saying i leaving far too soon.. bluff a few ppppl

hmm i havent leave yet.. but maybe soon la...

i tired of singapore

she alway blk me lo

she alway block me lo..

i reali very tired to b like this..

i noe i alway irritate ppl

but why she alway treat me lidat

being blked does hurt ..

i alreadi very troubled over the oversea things....

hmm i m a ugly person..

no frens .. no life.. should i go taiwan??

she does nt care abt any1

havent leave yet

havent leave yet.. but

feel so sick today..


flu..
throat reali feel super lousy..

keep sneezing

sux..

sick sick sick sick sick sick.. when can haf pl take care of me?

2 more days

2 more days. going soon..

duno wat to update

hope every1 is well

i m touched by evrything u all haf done for me

a sincere farewell

i going le...

byebye frens..

hope will update blog oversea..

byebye to those who i alway irritate n make them angry... lijun chienwen peishan.. esther.. eugenia.. yanting.. tem..amelia liwen yizhen minmin ..hmm maybe left out some1..

update soon

doing duty now

sianz. doing duty
cant go home
stay in camp
stupid camp
i wan to slp
sianz
no 1 entertain me
wah lau
can help me?

i slated to go oversea..

i duno how to explain my feeling now.. confused, sad, do not noe wat to do.. duno wat to tink.. kana this is like no future liao for me.. although many ppl say going oversea is so gd.. so fortunate.. so enriching.. go there can gain more exposure.. but 1 yr lei.. i duno lei.. its abit too long for me.. n erm being me, i tink i cannt survive out there w/o any support frm my family.. although the money is great, i just cannt leave my family.. money will not erase the feeling of home...i will miss alot of things.. my com.. my frens.... ahhhhhhh.. my family will b the most i miss.. my sisters n brothers.. my father n my deceased mother who r there in singapore...........

i duno wat to tink now.. everyday is a timebomb..

can tell me god wat should i do now?
i m serious now..

i really do not know wat to do.......

i helpless..

duno why i tink of leaving this place, i haf to bite my tonguie n force to hold my emotions back..


i reali tink i cant go away..

i reali tink i haf too much feeling too much things in singapore that i cannot let go

tuesday..half wk through?

very tired le..

hmm today wenthrough gas training chamber.. we were supposed to go into the chamber wearing suits.. very clownish..haha..

den tear gas keep pumping into the chamber..

then we r suposed to stand in the chamber completely unmasked.. wah super shiok..

when i finali come out.. mucus keep coming out through nose incesstantly..

then eyes keep tearing .. keep crying.. skin gt burning sensations..

wah shiok ah

this is my first experience of tear gas,.. so shiok. i dun wan incite a riot le!!!

i like this day.. a day i conquered my fear n go in like a man..:P army is reali full of experiences...

tuesday!? half wk through?

sunday concludes this wk

this wk finali over.. although cannt say super xiong.. but at least it is 1 wk of army over... gg to start another 1 soon.. this 1 will end july.. 1 of the longest mth.. ahh another long mth coming soon.. august..

quick i wish it to b over as soon as possible..

today dun reali do alot of things..

no ppl reali to chat with

alway gt the same usuall ppl


sian life..

haiz losing orientation with the world.. i getting sucked into the monotonous cycle of life.. i losing frens... i losing netfrens.. they r going on with their lifes w/o me along..

i still stuck here.. stuck in the gloomy darknes.... unable to extract myself frm it.. the past

actually i wan write yesterday

horhor..

actually wan write the blog entry yesterday.. but too tired..

duno why i sotired during wkends

mebbe becoz i work too hard during wkdays..lolx..

hmm actualli to conclude saturday.. i had not done anything..

i woke up ard 10.. online ard 10....

play fm05 whole day.. won epl .. sad.. nv win treble..

go online chat.. the usual suspect.. qi, wen, amelia, esther, liwen, yingying

ahh my life go haywire le la

knew a new online fren.. ahh 26 yr old lady:P..muahaha.. see i aiming for more older gals liao..her name ah chim.. janine i tink..

lolx.. a retail supervisor who work in east.. np gal..

quite a inquistive lady.. ask alot of qn.. but ahh i no life la.. ask me oso no use..

lolx.. can tok la.. she a christian..lolx.. pretty .. erm duno..

today sunday morning.. wat happen to me?

how old is me

鉴定结果您的心理年龄41岁
与您实际年龄差20岁
幼稚度48％
成熟度68％
老化度56％

happy wkend??

yoyo

i out for the wkend
blog do u miss me at all?

this wk i finali cleared
yeah
still gt 1 more wk to august
yeah

hmm
duno y i so hapi finali clear this shit.. mebbe it is becoz it gg to b august soon ba..

hmm sunday tio confined
monday n tuesday shooting for ATP

wed slack

thur do wokr
fri do work

haiz
tink i a bz person.. but somehow i feelk lonely

something fun

The Keys to Your Heart

You are attracted to those who have a split personality - cold as ice on the outside but hot as fire in the heart.

In love, you feel the most alive when your lover is creative and never lets you feel bored.

You'd like to your lover to think you are loyal and faithful... that you'll never change.

You would be forced to break up with someone who was insecure and in constant need of reassurance.

Your ideal relationship is open. Both of you can talk about everything... no secrets.

Your risk of cheating is zero. You care about society and morality. You would never break a commitment.

You think of marriage as something precious. You'll treasure marriage and treat it as sacred.

In this moment, you think of love as commitment. Love only works when both people are totally devoted.

ahh thurs nite off

bastard bastard
.. i stay in for last four days.. super sianz.. now i typing fast.. becoz soon i will book in le.. haiz.. life sux.. duno wat to tink liao

i just wna fredom

i just wan some1 to console me
aahh

no 1 call me for last four days..

no 1 sms me for last four dys

confined on sunday.. more details soon

i tink i super unpopular lo

i hate my life

killer sunday

hmm.. sunday evening time now.. going to book in erm 1 1/2 hr time.. alreadi prepared finish.. just now go watch fantastic 4.. nt bad movie.. haha johnny storm n sue storm!!!pretty pretty

i love jessica alba.. she look so great in the movie.. wah her figure.. zhan!!

haha.. yum yum..

how i wish i haf this kind of gf..=P


gaga.. saturday doesnt do anything at all.. just slack in frt of com.. lolxx.. slp quite early too.. 2 am slp le.. cannt tahan la.. become a morning person liao..


hmm now going to book in.. super sian.. n this wk abit stpid ba

going tekong tml to do shooting.. i hate shooting.. haiz

sumore must attend chemical defence lesson..

wear all those suit n mask..


tired of all these shit...
tired of everything

haiz.. sumore i cant find any1 to an wei me..

hmm if i gt ppl to support me , den gd le..

even a sms even a call will do!

today 5 am saturday

lolz.. now i just woke up..haha.. just nwo fall aslp ard 12.. hee

bk out ard 7 in the evening.. damn tired

receive 2 bad new..nono 3 bad mews

1) bk in sunday nite(8pm)
2) shooting IMT..ahh whole day in tekong.. 6 am go out
3) PAY HAVENT COME IN YET
next wk quite packed with events
chu ji dan

okie.. gt wat plan later?

erm
erm
erm

no plan at all.. die lo any gals care to jio me out???

why did why did why did u do this to me?

AHH god.. why did why did why did u do this to me?

why today so fats is wenesday le?

why so fast i nid go back camp le

ahhhhh
i hate going back to camp
sianz

2 more days to wkend.. quick wkend faster come
!!

hmm yesterday i go esplanade .. wanting to see chienwen but in the end see fireworks.. first time see firework so close.. magnificent.. beautiful.. i love fireworks......

haha eaten dinner with cailian oso..zz.. kfc 2 piece chicken!! so bad haf to let her treat again.. ahh so bad made her walk frm ps to suntec.. so bad haha to erm make her walk across the grass patch..cuuuuuuuuteeeeeeee.. make her grow blister.. so bad.. haha.. so ungentleman me is.. but tat who i m.. sad

be with you

this is a very romantic movie i watched today.. super nice.. super worth any money of this world..

the storyline goes like this..

a guy n his son miss his wife n the son's mother very deeply.. she had died 1 yr ago.. n b4 she died.. she made a promise to come back at the start of the rainy season.. the father n son hold dear this promise..

rainy season start.. he n his son yuki went to the spiritual place(the beautiful forest where they spent their yrs together in ) where he discovered his wife again but sadly she had forgotten who is he n his son..
he is super hapi..hmm slowly through the director's excellent directing, i was led to see how they loved each other deeply n how the family r deeply attached to each other b4 the wife died.. hmm the guy told his wife how they fallen in love how they get married .. it is simple but yet elegantly beautifull..it is quite romantic n touching.. hmm den like this the guy made the wife to re fall for him again n they r happily together again.... wah the son act superbly well.. he is very cute 6 yr old kid.. wah cute cute.. hmm den sadly there is no hapi ending to tis.. rainy season ended.. sumore the wife had to leave.. she haf to leave.. i duno y.. sumore the story said she must leave.. she knew it frm a diary she found in her personl belonging.. in her diary dictate everyday she is with her husband.. den tat fateful day.. a very sad scene.. she left.. left behind 2 very sad guy.. but she done alot of things for them..
she ask the colleague of the guy to help her take care of the guy.. den go into cakeshop to order 12 yr worth of cake for her son untilhe is 18.. haiz.. arghhhhhhhh.. so sad.. hm then the guy found her diary.. den frm her diary.. he found out how she fall in love with him frm her perspective..it is so cute lo in the way both version of how they fall in love with each other.. hwo they noe they r born for each other.. very romantic.. hmm n then gt 1 time when the guy noe he gt disease which caused him cannt run n he feel he do nt deserve the gal love.. den he break with the gal.. den the gal left for toyko.. but the guy want to see her one more time den he chased after her in toyko.. he saw her .. saw her veyr happy. so he run away in despair in the rain.. in the gal version, she saw the guy run away.. she chase after him n then kana knocked down by car.. den was transported to a future.. a future which was 1 yr after her death.. tat fateful rainy season..lolz..she saw tat she will die at 28.. she saw how she is happily by his side ...only with him she will get her happiness.. n their happiness's product is thier son.. n the wonderful few yrs they had together.. although the life together is short.. but it is happiness.. n then she was transported back she chose the guy as his husband.. n thus continue on this romantic journey which she drew a illustrated storybk tat told her son she will come back after 1 yr.. tat fateful rainy season..lolz..

haiz.. i duno wat to say.. it left me speechless

i like the part in which illustrate deeply the love the father n son had it for the wife.. the father regretted he had nv given his wife happiness b4.. n the son tot he had caused her death.. hmm but wife nv tink so.. she deliberately come back tat rainy season to reassure them.. to gif tat special miracle rainy season which they relived thier happiness again.. n tat wife noeing she will die at 28..she saw her happiness when she come back during tat fateful rainy season. she choose tat guy noeing she will die at 28.. a short life seeing tat she is 20 tat time.. she noe she will only b hapi by the guy side.. he is her happiness.. no matter hwo short.. n she haf her happiness which is her son yuki.. n hmm the story ended with both father n son reassured by the wife n they continue thier life.. without the regret tat plague them

another bored off day

haha.. duno why lei..

i gt 3 days off

but i keep complaining it is boring..

but when i in camp
i complain it is too stressfull

but at least it occupy my time
but then the life there is so fucked up

i duno la..

i such a contradicitng perosn..

plans plans.. last off day coming soon.. going back camp soon.. sianz

i see every1 is happily attached..how i feel? jealous?

tis is monday afternoon

i totally bored

haha

my off days spent like this

totally sianz day!

i noe i haf to enjoy all off days since it so rare

i duno how to plans my days.. i wan everyday to do something interetsing

to do something tat will make my day

everyday will make a difference to my own life

July 4

nth happen at all

yo i back..

ahh.. duno my com spoil.. but tink quite long.. sad
finali i back

today sunday morning liao.. nobody here
sianz

hmm actually i wan spend my days w/o com

but too addicted to it liao

duno duno
nvm nvm.. life still gone on

n let me b deluded alway!!

i poor n bankrupt

ah
some1 gif me money lei
i poor n no money liao
i just wan something more
i wan a gal
oops
hahaha

siao liao la..

me crazy le

more money= more gal?

oo jumbled tots..

i dreaming again.. i just wan a life

when i die, i wan

hmm


when i die, i wan to domany things

first ting is to find my mother

second thing is to tell the world i dun nid them

third thing is to find a way to restart life..

i reali regret some choices i took.. n i hurt ppl

there r so many things i haf done wrong
or i had nt done

haiz

i wan thechance to atone for wat i do..

i wan the chance to save my mother...
i wan my mother to live.......

why i m the 1 who is so helpless..

why m i the onli 1 who noe my mother is having a heart attack.. why cant i act more incisve.. call ambulance faster.. why cant the ambulance move faster.. why cant i do anything rite


when will i haf the chance to atoneee?


i hate my life
i hate myself
i just dun wan live this life